He Knew I Needed Her, More Than I Needed The Quiet

{Bonding with my wee-babe, circa 2010}

I was looking forward to the time alone; I was counting down the hours.

Ever since the night before, when I heard those magical words, "I think I'll take the kids and Dad to breakfast in the morning, that okay?!" I was elated. I can't tell you how infrequently time absolutely alone in the house happens. Early mornings and naptimes are no longer my own -- since my kids don't sleep. By evening time, I am exhausted, and can barely sit on the couch and stare into space without falling fast asleep.

To say I was over the moon is an understatement.

So when he told me that there was a change in plans, and instead he would bring them a little breakfast treat, and pick up just our son, leaving me at home with our daughter, my heart sank. I had it all dreamed out in my head: I was going to read, in the silence. Maybe have a mug of cocoa. I wasn't going to clean. I wasn't going to shower uninterrupted {although that would be nice, too!} ... I was just going to enjoy some me-time.

He came home, gave the kids their treat, and bundled our son up to go crow-hunting. The boys were off -- and I was left at home, alone, and with my daughter. Suddenly, I felt myself getting emotional, and excused myself to the bathroom to cry.

One of those emotional, ugly cries. I felt so convicted. Here I was, given the opportunity to spend some one-on-one time with my first born, and I was sad about it? What was wrong with me? And that's exactly what I asked God in that moment: "What is wrong with me? I have this time with my sweet girl ... and I'm crying?! Why?!" Not only "Why am I crying?" but also "Why didn't I deserve that alone time? That precious me-time I never seem to get anymore?"

And you know what happened?

Suddenly, things became so clear.

I got up from my porcelain throne, wiped the tears off my face, and went to join my girl. I took her in my arms, and hugged her, silently. Rocking her back and forth, I told her over and over how much I love her, "even when I'm not the nicest mom ... or the most fun mom. I love you then, too." She told me she knew that, and she loved me too -- "now can we do something fun?"

You see, God knows. He knows what we want ... and he knows exactly what we need. He knows the things deep in our heart, and the things we'd rather not face, as well. And when we need it the most, he gives us a swift {albeit gentle} kick in the pants, getting us to man up, and giving us exactly what we NEED most.

I wanted time alone. But what I really needed was time alone with my girl. A chance to laugh and cuddle and bond some more.

We painted our nails, drank some hot cocoa, watched a movie, and played a few games. We even got out a Melissa and Doug sticker book and decorated the pages of Fairies having tea parties and dancing in the rain. And that little girl of mine smiled. And laughed. And loved.

I sure am glad that I have a God who knows the insides of my heart, my wants and desires, and chooses instead to give me what I need most of all.

I am so glad he gave me that time alone with her.