30 April 2013

A Mother's Heart

This post was written in the early morning on Saturday, April 27th, as we were getting ready to leave for our cruise. 

It's the morning of our trip ... and I can't find a way to get overly excited. You see those two sweet baby faces up there? That's why I can't get excited.

Don't get me wrong. I am looking forward to a full night's sleep. No tantrums. Not having to share my entire meal. No breaking up toddler fights. Not changing a million diapers.

But I just can't get ... EXCITED.

You see -- I have never left my kids before. Not really. I left S for 2 whole nights when I was in the hospital having L ... but she came to visit both days. And even then, I cried, worried she would resent me for leaving alone, and coming home with another baby to share the spotlight.

She was a little weary of the situation in the hospital, which broke my heart, but now, over a year later, she shows no signs of being mad at me for leaving her for two days.

And we've had the occasional date night out -- and by occasional, I mean once every three or four months, since L was born. Usually two or so hours to grab dinner, or maybe a movie. Never very long, and always rushing home by bedtime to nurse L and put him to sleep.

HE is the one I am worried about. As young as he is, will he truly understand that even though I've left, I still love him and WILL come back to him? That even though 8 days seems like forever to his tiny little boy heart, it's only a week, and in no time at all, I'll be back to hugging and kissing him like  crazy and chasing him all over the yard?

I know saying goodbye this morning will be hard. So I am going to make it quick. And I'm sure once I am secure in the car, away from their prying eyes and hugging arms, I will break down.

Heck, I've done it more than once since waking up this morning.

My Mama heart is breaking ... and I am feeling guilty. The trip hasn't started yet, and I am ready to get back home to my babies already! A year of planning, and getting excited ... and I never thought it would be this hard.

Deep breaths. One minute at a time. I just need to remember: they are with their grandparents, who love and spoil them. And they will be okay. They may cry for a bit ... but soon, we'll be back home. With gifts for them. And it wont take them long to forget that we ever left.

Deep breaths. I just need to remember: we need this time. We deserve this time. We are looking forward to this time together, just the two of us. It's okay to do something for ourselves. Every once in awhile [or in our case, after five years!].

Deep breaths. We will ALL come out stronger and better for it on the other end. It can only improve our family dynamic.

Deep breaths.


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